Biggest Heartbreak

Remember my posts about getting my heart broken? Well, as stupid as this is going to sound, I got back together with that guy. I know I shouldn't have. I really have no excuses. I just couldn't imagine life without him. But taking him back has its consequences.

There is not one day that goes by that I don't think about it.

I was sitting in the family car, on the way home from a trip.
I got the text.
"Hey maybe we should date other people"

"What do you mean?" I replied

"I'm breaking up with you."

The feeling I got when I received that text? I've never known something like that.
My heart, it dropped.

And I will never forget that week, the week I cried like a mad woman, day and night, never ending.
The week I could not eat.
The week I didn't want to live anymore.
The week I will remember for the rest of my life.

While he was with her, happy and carefree, thinking about the stupid girlfriend he had just dumped, I was in my room, staring at the wall, crying endlessly.
He will never understand what he did. He can say sorry as many times as he wants.
But he will never be able to take what he did back.

I am scarred for life.

You can say that the way I acted, and the way I felt, and the way I dealt with things is immature and that ill just get over it.

But I will never get over it.

I'm Back.

Well hey, Internet world. I actually remembered this ol' blog and I have decided that it's about time I started posting on it again. There is something about writing, even when no one is reading, that soothes the soul and organizes the mind. For me there is, at least.

Hopefully I'll remember to frequently post, because I really like looking back on these posts.

A new Perspective

Hey, so it has been a couple of days since my last post, and I'm better but still not exactly feeling that great. However, this post will NOT be a gloomy, sad post.....
The other day, my group at swim team had to say goodbye to our coach, who resigned so that he could start a business. It didn't really hit me until the other day that he's actually gone. We have a new coach now, who we all know anyways, so that isn't an issue. But its just been very hard because we don't know this coach as well. We had him last summer for a little, and he is a very hard coach. However, I have decided to not look at this as a bad thing, but instead, a very good thing. I've really been wanting to step it up in swimming, and I think that having a new coach is definitely going to motivate me to do that. He offers no mercy (literally) and I'm going to hate him sometimes, (ok, maybe more than sometimes) but I know that I am going to have to learn to put up with pain in order to get through life. I can't take the easy way out, I have to do things thouroughly and the best I can. Not only in swimming, but in my personal life as well.
I know that it is going to very important that we all treat my new coach with respect. Because I realize that he is new to this as well and that we need to accept him.

I presume that this summer of 2012 will involve a lot of physical (and personal) pain, but I know that without pain there is no reward, and I know that if I learn to just deal with it, I'll be a stronger person. Also, I'm not going to go after love, but wait for it to tap me on the shoulder.

I hope that anyone reading this understands what I'm trying to say... and that it doesn't mean that I'm not going to have fun. Cause I'm gonna be one heck of a wild child :)

-S

Why I'm a Frickin Mess.

You want to know why I've been posting things like "ohh, I'm sooo sad" and stuff like that?

Well, this is why.

I loved a guy, I thought he loved me back.
Everything was perfect and everything was fine.
But apparently he wasn't willing to wait for me; to adhere to the standards my family has.
And the only real love I ever knew... was taken away from me by the one I thought I'd be with forever.
And the terrible thing is? The only thing I want right now is him back.
But I've never been able to have what I truly want, and when I do have it, it's always been taken away from me. So life isn't really going to ever be the same anymore. I might try to cover up what I'm feeling, I might get another boyfriend.
But it's never going to be the way it was with
Braeden.

Sorry, world. I'm just so upset and shocked and I cannot believe that someone I trusted with my LIFE would ever do this to me. And I know I seem like a wimpy, naiive teenage girl (and I am!) but it hurts and there's nothing I can do about it and that's why it hurts so bad...

Less than four was our symbol
ABR played our song
I thought this would last forever
but it wasn't actually that long

I thought you and I would last forever
And I'd die for you
I didn't know you felt the opposite way

Cause today on my way home
you said girl it's over
I've found another
I can't put up with your shit,
I just so tired of it

That's why I'm crying for 5 hours straight
Tryin to figure out if there's some way
if this could be a joke
But I don't think it is
I'm trying to figure out life
Because now mine's gone

Yesterday you were telling me I was the only one
But I guess that "one" means different things to
each of us
....
to be continued.

Basically, the story of this is that my heart is absolutely broken and I never ever imagined that I would love this guy this much, and when I finally realized that I trusted him, he dumped me.
I really don't know what to do.

Terrible

I don't even know what to say or think,
I don't know why you're doing this
and making me wish I was never born
I thought we had love,
I guess I was wrong.
I thought you were different,
I thought this wouldn't happen with you.
But I guess that it's just my fate,
to never have anything right
One word to explain my life?
Terrible.